


what’s gonna be left of the world if you’re not in it

by boneswrites



Series: Things You Said [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Also horses are here for emotional support, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Jim is being Jim, Kid Fic, Leonard would rather kill someone than lose Jim, M/M, Mission Gone Wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 23:54:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7458565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneswrites/pseuds/boneswrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things you said with many miles between us: our son lost a tooth.<br/>Then Spock tells him: the Captain is listed as missing in action. </p><p>And Jim has a crazy plan, which may or may not involve getting hurt. Leonard has never given up on Jim, he’s not about to start now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This turned into a monster, hello! I really enjoyed writing this, and it turned more...emotional than I had intended, but that's always good! Title taken from Bastille's Good Grief. I hope you enjoy, and feedback is always greatly appreciated! (I have no knowledge of kids, so please forgive any mistakes!)

It wasn’t that Jim explicitly promised, and Leonard knew that.

Still, the bang echoing in the doctor’s chest had cut off his breathing when Jim told him Starfleet has requested his return, _only for one mission_ , he said. _One mission, my ass_ , Leonard retorted and went on bickering about the Federation wanting to lure Jim back in so he would quit teaching at the Academy and go back into the black. Jim huffed, telling Leonard it sounded ridiculous and he isn’t planning on staying out there one moment after this mission was completed.

Jim never promised he’d stay on Earth after they returned from the Enterprise’s second five-year mission and decided it was time to hang up their stripes. But both men had been thinking about settling down and no one had to drag the other across the line to make that decision.

Leonard always thought it would be harder, much harder to convince Jim that the God-given gift that is gravity is unparalleled. It was actually Jim who had brought it up. The number of grey hairs the doctor has hasn’t increased in number since their farewell party.

Their son was the main motivation behind that move. Already nearing two years of age, David grew up in Georgia with Leonard’s mother and they rarely got to see him. And to them, that was the hardest part of all.

He wasn’t planned, David, at all. In fact, Jim and Leonard didn’t sit down and say let’s have a baby. No, it was much messier than that. During one of the shore leaves, they had a fight, a stupid fight that neither of them remember what it was about now. Jim stormed out and left Leonard behind, face still burning and red and fumes puffing out of his ears. They’d both been on edge, which might have been a reason for their outburst. Jim ended up in a bar, drinking his weight in alcohol and began eyeing the blue-eyed blonde sitting a few stools over.

She contacted him two weeks later telling him that she was pregnant. He never gave her his number, couldn’t even remember her name or if he had asked for it, but he’s James Tiberius Kirk for fuck’s sake, how hard is it to track him down?

His face paled, his hands went clammy and his heart dropped into his stomach. His entire world crashed right in front of his eyes and he thought he had reached the end. All because of one stupid fight that meant nothing.

Jim decided to come clean to Leonard a week after he got the news, simply because they were reporting back to the Enterprise and Leonard couldn’t walk away from him on the ship. Where would he go? It was selfish of Jim, and he knew that, but he also knew that he wouldn’t survive losing that man, and he feared that is exactly what would happen.

Jim called Leonard into their quarters and sat him down on the couch. It felt like a lifetime had passed in silence, Jim staring down at his hands sitting in his lap, before he finally spoke.

“I messed up,” he whispered.

Leonard drew in a sharp breath, his eyes focused on the floor.

“It was during the last shore leave, when we had that stupid fight. I went to a bar and I—”

“I know,” Leonard interrupted. “I know what happened.”

“What?” Jim’s eyes went wide with horror, his mouth going dry.

Leonard sighed. “I mean, I wasn’t sure, but I had a feeling. They say you somehow know when your partner is with another person. I didn’t believe it, because what kind of telepathic bullshit is that? But I guess they’re right. I didn’t feel it with Jocelyn, when she…maybe because she never really loved me.”

“It was a stupid mistake, Bones, it was so stupid and I would do anything to fix it. It meant nothing, absolutely nothing.”

“I know,” Leonard nodded.

Jim swallowed hard, expecting a full blow up from Leonard that never came. Jim has never seen him this calm before.

“I…I don’t get it,” Jim admitted.

For the first time since they sat down, Leonard moved to face Jim.

“Why aren’t you exploding right now?”

“I don’t know, I thought I would. Truth is, I don’t know how I feel.”

Jim nodded, a tear rolling down his stubbly cheek.

The silence stretched between them, the only sound being the soft whirring of the engines beyond.

“She’s pregnant,” Jim finally dared to say.

“What are you going to do about it?” Leonard asked.

“About what?”

“Everything. About her, the kid, us.”

“What about the kid?”

“What’s gonna happen? Does she want to keep it?”

Jim sighed. “She said she’ll carry to term, but she’s not gonna keep it. Said something about getting money when she gives it up.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“She said she’s not fit to be a mother, and I understand what she means. It’s not like I’m gonna be the world’s best dad either.”

“You know that’s not true, Jim,” Leonard said.

“Even the way I get a kid is a screw up,” Jim huffed. “Kid deserves better.”

“So you’re going to let her sell your child?” Leonard’s eyes hardened.

Jim ran a hand through his messy short hair. “What do you want me to do? I’m not fit to be a father, Bones. I didn’t have a father growing up. I had an abusive fuck for a step-father but I know that’s not how it’s done.”

“No one knows how it’s done until you do it.”

“I didn’t even plan on having kids,” Jim stood up, taking a few steps away from the couch.

“Tough luck, Jim, because it’s happening and you can’t change the past. You’re having a kid, whether you like it or not. This isn’t just about you anymore. So, what are you going to do?”

“I can’t lose you over this,” Jim whispered, his vision going blurry.

“This isn’t about me, Jim,” Leonard shook his head. “You’re in this now.”

“You keep saying it isn’t just about me and it’s not about you but I can’t be me without you.”

“Don’t do that,” Leonard warned. “Don’t drag me into this, I had nothing to do with this. This is all you, you gotta take responsibility for your actions.”

Jim sucked in a deep breath, physically taken aback by Leonard’s words. But he wasn’t wrong, and Jim knew it.

“I still don’t know what you want from me, I know myself, I will not be a good father,” Jim insisted.

Leonard sighed, getting to his feet and walking towards Jim. “You’re wrong. I know you, Jim, I do and you’re wrong.”

Jim swallowed and moved his eyes to meet Leonard’s gaze, and Jim found it hard to breathe. Leonard was close, so close, he could feel his hot breath lingering on his skin, sending shivers down his spine.

“I’ve seen you with Sam’s boys, time and time again. You may think you won’t be good at it, but I know you will be.”

“That’s not the same, Bones,” Jim stepped away from Leonard, giving him his back. “I know how to be the cool uncle, but that’s not the same as being a father.”

“It’s not that different, either.”

Jim stayed silent.

“That’s it, then? You’re giving up your child the moment he’s born?”

“He?” Jim turned to face Leonard.

“Gut feeling,” Leonard shrugged.

He was being stubborn and he knew that. Jim knew that Leonard was right, that man is always right.

“I’m scared,” Jim breathed.

“I know, darlin’, I know.”

“I can’t let that happen, can I?”

Leonard shook his head.

Jim’s head buckled and he began playing with his fingers, his eyes focused on that. “If I decide to take the kid, would you still wanna be with me?”

Leonard knew that question was coming, and for the life in him, he couldn’t decide on an answer. He took his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down. “I don’t know,” he finally answered.

Jim nodded, his eyes still away from Leonard.

Leonard closed the gap between them and took Jim’s face into his hands, making him look at him. “Listen to me, I need you to know that I am not walking out on you. I am not dropping you.” Leonard’s eyes were wide and hot, peering into Jim’s clear blue ones.

A tear escaped Jim’s eyes, Leonard wiping it away with his thumb.

“I love you, Bones,” Jim croaked. “Whatever you decide, I’ll always love you.”

Leonard leaned in and brushed his lips softly over Jim’s forehead and closed his eyes, keeping them in place for a few extra moments.

“I just need some time to process all of this, to figure it out. I know what I want.”

Jim nodded.

“I just need to know your answer,” Leonard leaned backwards to see Jim’s face.

“You’re right. I need to step up. If not for me, then for the kid.”

Leonard gave him a small smile.

They didn’t see much of each other for the two weeks that followed. Jim mostly stayed on the bridge, and Leonard stuck around Med Bay.

Jim was surprised when Leonard showed up at his door at the end of Alpha shift, stubble decorating his face, black bags hanging under his eyes and looking much thinner than Jim remembered. In short, the doctor looked like shit.

Leonard didn’t speak, just pushed passed Jim into the living quarters and Jim could practically smell the alcohol on Leonard.

The older man dropped down on the edge of the bed, burying his face in his shaking hands.

Jim crossed the floor and stood a few feet away from Leonard, his arms crossed over his chest.

“Bones,” Jim prompted.

Leonard didn’t budge.

“Have you been drinking?” Jim asked instead.

That got Leonard’s attention. He lifted his head and looked at Jim.

Jim’s throat suddenly went dry at the sight of Leonard’s eyes. He didn’t see it at the door, but he definitely saw it now. Leonard’s eyes were bloodshot and puffy, swimming in water, hazed, unclear.

“How long?”

“A week maybe ten days,” Leonard said, his voice gruff and low.

“Damn it, Bones,” Jim sighed. “Are you even sober right now?”

Leonard nodded, sniffing. “Haven’t had a drink in twelve hours. I’d usually start now but I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Jim sat down next to Leonard, waiting for him to continue. “Couldn’t take what anymore?”

“You not being there. I said I needed time but I already knew what I wanted. I want you, Jim. With…whatever comes with you. Even if that means a kid, so be it. I’ve been miserable, I can’t function, I can’t even see straight. I’m not sleeping or eating or anything really. I’m a damn mess without you.”

“I’m a mess without you, too. I didn’t want to bombard you, I wanted you to take all the time you needed.”

“I love you, Jim, and nothing is gonna change that. You’re the love of my life, what kind of person would I be if I let you deal with this on your own?”

“You didn’t sign up for a kid, Bones.”

“But I signed up for you. It was a stupid mistake and you’ve already begun to make it right. I’m not gonna leave you to raise this kid alone.”

“You mean that?”

“I do.”

Jim reached out, wrapping an arm around Leonard’s shoulder and pulled him into his chest, his grip tight. Leonard rested his face in the crook of Jim’s neck, taking in the scent he missed beyond words. Jim’s hand went to Leonard’s hair and ran his fingers through the strong black locks.

For the first time in two weeks, Leonard slept through the night.

Six months later, Jim and Leonard got married.

Two months after that, they welcomed their son, David, named after Leonard’s father, into the world.

Leonard was right. Leonard is always right.

Exactly a month after the boy was born, Leonard legally adopted him, naming him David Kirk-McCoy.

\---

“How long is this mission supposed to last?” Leonard asks, adjusting David on his hip.

“They aren’t really sure, it depends on how the negotiations ago. But a month, give or take? I gotta head to HQ tomorrow for a debrief,” Jim remembers.

Leonard lowers David into a chair around the table and ruffles his blond hair. “You’re getting big, little man.”

Jim smiles, watching his husband and son interact. It’s been four years since they settled down in San Francisco and took on the normal life. Well, as normal as it can get for them. They’d take vacations to Georgia and Iowa to visit Jim and Leonard’s families, but David had taken more interest in Georgia. Aside from the fact that he spent the first two years of his life there, he loved the horses. The horses always did the trick.

“Who’s going out with you?” Leonard glimpse to Jim over his shoulder as he pours David’s favorite cereal into a bowl.

“The Enterprise crew,” Jim beams.

“Really? All of them?” Leonard shoots up an eyebrow.

“Well, not all of them. The most important one isn’t going to be there,” Jim’s face drops.

Leonard sighs, settling the bowl in front of their son and watches as he digs in. “We can’t both leave him.”

“I know, I know,” Jim nods, stepping closer towards his husband. “I do feel guilty about agreeing.”

“Don’t,” Leonard shakes his head. “You never promised you wouldn’t go back.”

“I didn’t think I had to promise. I made a commitment to you and to him, it feels like I’m throwing it away.”

Leonard lifts his arm to cover Jim’s cheek with his palm. “I don’t like this one bit but I know it’s necessary. They haven’t bothered us for four years, it ought to be important if they did now. You’re the best negotiator they ever had. It looks to me like you’re in demand, Captain.”

A small smile tugs on Jim’s lips at that.

“Just promise me one thing,” Leonard says in a low voice.

“What’s that?”

“Come back to us,” Leonard blows out, touching his forehead to Jim’s.

“Always, Bones, always,” Jim vows and moves to kiss the corner of his husband’s mouth.

Making sure that David is occupied with a PADD and a holovid, Leonard drops into their room, watching as Jim fixes his official Starfleet uniform.

“It still fits you,” the doctor teases, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Shut up,” a light blush decorates Jim’s cheeks. “It hasn’t been _that_ long.”

Leonard shrugs. “This is taking me back years.”

“I know,” Jim agrees, looking at himself in the body-length mirror. “Me too.”

They walk out into the living room a few minutes later, seeing David sprawled on his stomach and playing a game on the PADD. Jim kneels beside his son, tapping his shoulder to grab his attention.

“I will see you later, okay monkey?”

David looks up from the PADD, his eyes going wide. “Where are you going?”

“I have a meeting to attend, but I’ll be back before you know it okay?”

“Okay,” David nods, and manages to get to his knees, throwing his arms around Jim’s neck.

“Good man,” Jim chuckles, hugging his son tight. “Go easy on your dad,” he winks when they separate.

The little boy giggles.

“Ha ha, very funny,” Leonard helps Jim get to his feet and fixes his collar. “You don’t wanna be late.”

“Are you kicking me out of my own house, Bones?” Jim fake gasps.

“Politely, yeah,” Leonard rolls his eyes, ushering Jim to the door.

“Love you, Dave,” Jim calls over his chest.

“Love you, papa,” David calls back.

“Love you, Bones,” Jim says quickly before the door slams in his face. He did hear a “love you, too, darlin’” though.

Jim chuckles to himself before turning around and heading towards Starfleet Headquarters.

\---

It’s late when Jim returns home, much later than he had anticipated. He wanted to make it home by dinner but the meeting had dragged on and he wasn’t let go until thirty minutes ago. Jim walks through the door to see Leonard slouching on the couch, with a sleeping David coddled in his arms. They commed him halfway through the day and he promised to be home as soon as he could. Still, nothing eased the pang of guilt echoing in his chest.

Leonard notices him standing still and raises an eyebrow. “You gonna stand there all night or what?” He whispers.

“I’m sorry,” Jim sighs.

Even in the dimly lit room, Jim could see Leonard’s forehead frowning. “For…”

“I missed dinner,” Jim pouts, carefully dropping on the couch next to Leonard.

“Wasn’t your fault, darlin’, I suspected.”

“How was David?”

“Good, kept busy all day. Wore me out, as you can see I can’t even get up to put him to bed,” Leonard chuckles.

“I got him,” Jim offers and moves to take the dozing boy into his arms, Leonard easing him off his body.

David stirs, momentarily waking.

“Hey, Dave,” Jim runs his hand through his son’s flat hair.

“Papa?” David asks sleepily.

“Yeah, buddy, right here,” Jim rubs his back up and down. “Lets get you to bed.”

David is out like a light before they reach his room.

Jim finds Leonard waiting for him in their bed when he’s done tucking David in and making sure his favorite stuffed horse is within his reach. He shrugs out of his uniform, dropping it on the armchair to be taken care of the following morning, and in nothing but his boxer-briefs, he joins his husband under the covers with a sigh.

“They think I’ve forgotten how to be a captain,” Jim huffs.

“What?”

“Yeah, we kept going over regulations and what not. It’s what took forever.”

Leonard pulls Jim into him.

“Or maybe it’s the Jim Kirk Check List, I wouldn’t know,” Jim rests his head on Leonard’s bare chest.

Leonard chuckles, his fingers roaming around Jim’s back, tracing old scars he knew by heart, scars that held so many stories and so much history. You could map Jim’s life by the scars he carries.

“I told them it was just like riding a bike.”

“I bet they didn’t take that very well.”

“They did not,” Jim shakes his head. “It seems messy, though.”

Leonard tenses under Jim.

“We’re going to attempt to stop a civil war from breaking out.”

“And if you fail?” Leonard asks through clenched teeth.

The way Jim looks at Leonard gives him his answer.

“No, Jim,” Leonard says roughly. “It’s too dangerous, you have a family. They can’t just send you on something like that.”

“They can, and they are. Believe me, there’s nothing more I want than to stay here with you and David. But this just makes me more aware of what’s happening there. There are families there, too, Bones. And kids as old as our son and younger and…I can’t sit by and do nothing. If I can prevent a war, I will do everything I can to ensure that I do. If I can stop another Tarsus from happening, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

“You’re always willing to give yourself up for others,” Leonard whispers.

Jim nods. “Now I’m trying to make sure everyone comes out of it alive, including me.”

Leonard leans in, capturing Jim’s pink lips in a passionate kiss, pouring everything in his heart and on his mind into the younger man. Jim reciprocates with just as much need and fire, as they melt into each other.

\---

Upon hearing Jim’s departure date, Leonard’s mother flew out to San Francisco to be with her son, son-in-law and grandson. She knew Leonard and David would be in need of some pampering once Jim was gone. Having him around for as long as they did and then him leaving won’t settle well with them, nor will it settle well with Jim. Eleanor knew her son wouldn’t ask her to make the trip so she suggested and insisted when Leonard began showing hints of argument. On the contrary to the Southern man, Jim was more than happy to hear the news.

Despite having her own room, Eleanor slept next to David. A ritual they had when he was living with her, one she wanted to continue. Neither Jim nor Leonard got in the way.

The days seemed to rush by and the two men suddenly found themselves in their bedroom, packing Jim’s bag. Leonard had his blue medical tunics and Jim’s command gold ones neatly folded in the back of the closet. He felt his gut twist in his stomach when he reached for Jim’s, leaving his own behind.

“It’s going to be so weird being up there without you,” Jim says softly. “Hard, even. Our quarters are too big for one person.”

“Stay in mine,” Leonard suggests.

“I think that would make it harder,” Jim gives him a sad smile over his shoulder. “But I’ll keep it in mind.”

Leonard takes two steps and covers Jim’s body with his own broad one, wrapping his arms around Jim’s waist and resting his chin on Jim’s shoulder.

Jim closes his eyes and tilts backwards into Leonard’s hold, allowing his body to relax and drawing as much intensity as he could from his husband. He hopes it will keep him warm when it gets cold in space.

\---

Leonard keeps himself and David quite busy the days following Jim’s departure. They leave the house bright and early in the morning and return when it’s dark and chilly outside. Sometimes Eleanor would join them, other times she wouldn’t. She knew it was her son’s way of coping with his husband leaving and she didn’t argue. She’d find Leonard asleep on the couch most nights, knowing he can’t bear sleeping in his own bed yet, she’d simply cover him with a blanket and drop a kiss to his wrinkled forehead.

All three were out when Jim sent in his first transmission. He’d been gone for four days.

Leonard’s eye catches the blinking light on his communicator and he’s never run as fast as he did to reach it. He grabs it but quickly glances at his mom who understands his wide eyes. She ushers the little boy to his room where they can hang his new clothes and open the new toys.

With shaking fingers, Leonard presses the button and immediately closes his eyes upon hearing Jim’s voice.

“Bones, you there? Boooones,” Jim’s voice echoes. “Guess not. Anyway, it’s been hectic these past few days, getting everything in order and falling back into the saddle. The crew’s great, they all miss you but not nearly as much as I miss you and David,” he sighs. “I wish I was back home with you two already. Space interference is terrible so messages between us will probably be delayed a few days. I managed to find a clearing and sent this in. I hope you get it on time, though. It’s not the same without you, Bones. Tell that little beautiful boy that I miss him beyond words and I’m always thinking about him, thinking about you both. And thank your mom for me, I know you’d be going up the walls if it weren’t for her,” Jim chuckles and Leonard hears Jim’s comm going off in the background. _Spock to Captain Kirk_. “Well, that’s my calling. I’ll call as soon as I can. I love you, Bones. Love that little monkey, too.” And then Jim’s voice cut out.

Leonard stares at the unit for about a minute, letting the message sink in. Jim sounded tired, and suddenly, he wonders if his husband has been getting enough sleep, if he’s been eating right and on time…suddenly he wishes he were up in the black with him. The giggle erupting through the house jolted him back to reality, as he is reminded why he stayed behind. After recollecting himself and finding his voice, Leonard calls out.

“David? David, come down here, there’s something for you to hear.”

Leonard listens to the message again, this time with his son and mother close by. David’s arms crossed on the table and his entire body leaning forward as he carefully listens to Jim’s voice. He looks up at his dad when Jim’s voice fades.

“What do you say? Wanna send your papa a message of our own?” Leonard suggests.

David nods excitedly.

Together they recap the days since Jim left. David taking his time in explaining what they did and telling Jim about his new clothes and toys and the animals they saw at the zoo. Leonard imagines Jim sitting in his quarters, a small smile on his face as he hears their message over and over again.

The next time Jim calls, Leonard is home. Eleanor had decided to take David out for a stroll.

“Jim?” Leonard answers almost instantly. “Jim, can you hear me?”

Two seconds pass until Jim responds. “I’m here, Bones. Glad I caught you.”

Leonard has never been more grateful for technology. “Hey, darlin’. Oh my God, hi.”

“Hi,” Jim snickers, Leonard practically hearing the smirk in his voice.

“Are you okay? Sleeping enough? Eating good?” Leonard can’t help but ask.

“Bones, I’m fine,” Jim chuckles. “Don’t worry, M’Benga is breathing down my neck about all that. You taught your team well.”

“He knows if anything happens to you, he won’t hear the end of it,” Leonard huffs.

“That too,” Jim nods. A moment of silence passes. “The house is uncharacteristically quiet.”

“Yeah, mom took David out for a walk, they’re probably eating ice cream by now.”

“You’re letting our son have ice cream? Before dinner?” Jim’s voice glittered with amusement.

“I wanna make sure not too much is changed so he doesn’t act out. Besides, he had some vegetables for lunch.”

“God I miss you,” Jim whispers.

“I miss you more. I can’t sleep in the bed, Jim. Well, not when I’m sober, at least,” Leonard admits.

“From the sound of it, I should be the one getting worried,” Jim’s voice turns serious.

“I get by,” Leonard sighs.

“Bones?”

“Yeah, Jim?”

“Remember what I said about me doing everything I can do prevent another Tarsus?”

Leonard’s stomach drops. “Yeah.”

“Turns out I wasn’t that far off. Looks like I was right. And god, this is one thing I didn’t wanna be right about.”

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t answer that, Bones. What I can say though, is they rely on us, on the Federation, for protection and then comes this guy who says they can protect themselves and whatnot. Basically, if he overthrows, he turns the planet into a militarized one and…that never ends well.”

“Jesus,” Leonard breathes.

“He’s talking about turning five year olds into soldiers,” Jim shakes his head.

“He has to be stopped.”

“Yeah, failing isn’t even an option.”

“He’s crazy, Jim. Be careful, please.”

\---

“Dad?”

The small voice startles Leonard from his sleep. He pushes his eyelids open to see his son standing hear the bed, clutching his stuffed horse tightly.

“Hey, bud,” Leonard smiles. “What’s up?”

“I got a nightmare,” David quivers, on the verge on tears.

“Come here,” Leonard lifts the cover enough for the boy to crawl into bed next to him and he’s immediately engulfed with an armful of David. “What was it about?” He asks, weaving his hand through the boy’s soft hair.

“Don’t remember,” David shakes his head, clutching his father’s shirt in a tight fist.

“It’s okay, kiddo, everything’s fine,” Leonard soothes.

It’s the first night David sleeps alone since Jim left. Leonard’s mom had to go back to Georgia to take care of a few things, including the farm and promised to be back by the following week. David said he was going to be a big boy and sleep in his bed alone, but Leonard suspected he’d crawl into bed with him during the night. Leonard was barely left alone with David since they returned to Earth. On days he was left alone with the kid, Jim would be nearby, or at least he’d be on planet. This was different, and it scared Leonard.

“I miss papa,” David sobs.

Leonard tries to swallow past the lump forming in his throat, threatening to cut off his breathing. “I know baby, I miss him too. How about we send him a message when we wake up?”

They send Jim the third message the next morning. They haven’t heard from him since he dropped in with Leonard. He began worrying three days ago.

The rest of the week is uneventful (slow, miserable and dry) but as promised, Eleanor returns to Leonard and David.

Leonard gets called into Starfleet Medical for an emergency around eleven pm, and leaves a sleeping David in the care of his mother.

He gets a call from Jim halfway into the crisis.

Leonard pulls out the comm from his pocket and among the commotion doesn’t check who it is. “Yeah?”

“Bones?” Jim’s voice comes to life.

Instantly, the chaos and yelling around Leonard dies down, the only sound he hears the pounding of his heart in his ears. “Jim?”

“Hey,” Jim sounds relaxed, probably at the fact the connection went through.

Leonard frantically looks around and spots Philip Boyce, another doctor, a few meters away. He gestures to his comm. “It’s Jim.”

“Go,” Boyce waves him off, “we’ve got it covered for a few minutes.”

Leonard nods and hurries into an empty exam room, locking the door behind him. “Oh my God, Jim, I was getting worried,” Leonard exhales.

“It’s the interference, has it always been this crappy?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Leonard shakes his head.

“Are you at the hospital?”

“Yeah, it’s a mess,” Leonard sighs.

“I should let you get to it—”

“Jim Kirk, you’re a damn fool if you think I’m letting you hang up on me,” Leonard interrupts. “Boyce knows, they can hold the ground for a few minutes.”

“I miss you,” Jim whispers, almost to himself.

“I miss you too, darlin’. We all do. David can’t sleep alone anymore.”

“I’m not doing too good, either,” Jim sighs heavily. “I’ve logged in more gym hours than I have in our entire stay at the Academy.”

“Yeah, that sounds like you,” Leonard chuckles. “You need your strength, though.”

“I know, I’m getting by, don’t worry.”

“I’m always worrying.”

“You wouldn’t be Leonard McCoy if you don’t,” Jim teases.

“How are you with time?”

“We’re docking in a week and we’ll get a better picture of how long we’ll be here when the negotiations start. I’ll let you know what I can tell you when I know it,” Jim promises.

“We’ll be here.”

A knock on the door.

“More injuries have just come in,” Leonard curses.

“Go,” Jim prompts. “Save some lives, be my hero.”

“You be my hero and come back in one piece.”

“I love you, Bones. Tell David I love him so much.”

“I love you too, Jim.”

The connection ends.

Jim sighs, leaning back into the Captain’s chair when he feels a presence beside him. He looks up and sees Spock standing in his usual pose with his back straight and hands linked behind his back.

“Hey, Spock.”

“Captain,” Spock nods. “How is Doctor McCoy holding up?”

“As good as can be expected, I guess. He’s at the hospital, working.”

“And David?”

Jim shrugs. “Bones says he can’t sleep alone.”

“The disturbance of a routine,” Spock comments.

“That goes for all of us.”

“I hope the mission ends soon and your return to them in no time.”

“Me too, Spock,” Jim gives him a small smile.

One new thing Jim noticed was Spock’s slight change of language. He seems to have picked up on more human-friendly terms. He doesn’t doubt it’s Uhura’s doing. He’s grateful, however, because it makes him feel a little closer to home.

A few days pass before Leonard and Jim successfully establish their first video call. It’s in the evening for Leonard and David, and Jim’s off shift, so no sudden interruptions. They’ve both been aching to see each other since Jim had left and this was the first opportunity to present itself.

Leonard relaxes as soon as Jim appears in front of him. “Hey, darlin’.”

“Bones!” Jim beams.

The soft sunlight shinning into the room and dancing around Leonard made him look an angel, with the yellow outlining his lean figure and Jim found himself gazing at his husband’s every feature, as if he were making sure his memory hadn’t mistaken a single detail. They didn’t notice the silence falling between them because Leonard was doing the same thing.

“Jim…”

“I know what you’re going to say,” Jim stops him. “And I’m fine.”

“It doesn’t look like it,” Leonard shoots. “You’re thin, you’re pale, you have bags under your eyes…”

“They always say these holo transmissions distort the picture,” Jim tried.

Leonard just raised his eyebrow, his stare hard.

Jim sighs. “I’m fine, really. I’m getting by.”

Leonard doesn’t reply right away, and the soft whirr of the engines catches his ear. Instead, he looks at Jim some more. He looks younger, much younger. Maybe it was the transmission.

“How are you guys doing?” Jim asks, tearing Leonard away from his haze.

“We’re alright,” Leonard nods. “I think David is getting better, he doesn’t always stick by me anymore, he goes out sometimes.”

“And you?”

“God, Jim, I’m a damn mess,” Leonard admits. “I mean, if it weren’t for my mom I would have lost my mind. Truth is, I don’t really know how to do this without you.”

“You’re doing great, Bones,” Jim encourages. “Everyone’s in one piece.”

Leonard huffs. “Yeah for now. Just…come back to us, Jim.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Bones.”

“Our son lost a tooth,” a small smile spreads on Leonard’s lips.

“What? Really?” Jim’s eyes light up, the blue radiating through space to reach Leonard.

“Yeah, another one, he’s dropping them real fast,” Leonard chuckles, turning away and calls out. “David? Bud, come down here.”

A few moments pass before stomping footsteps are heard above and then move to the stairs. Jim watches as David runs into Leonard’s arms and they both turn back to face Jim.

The little boy immediately breaks into a smile when he sees Jim in front of him. “Papa!”

“Hey monkey, I miss you so much!” Jim grins, the signs Leonard saw before disappearing.

“Miss you too,” David giggles.

“Your dad tells me you lost another tooth.”

David nods excitedly.

“Wanna show me?”

David responds by opening his mouth and showing off the two small gaps in the bottom row. “Dad has to put it under the pillow.”

“I will, bud,” Leonard ruffles David’s hair.

“You’re growing up so fast, big man!” Jim winks.

“He is,” Leonard agrees, pressing a kiss to David’s hair.

Jim admires the view, the two people he loves most in the world and it stung his heart to be so many miles away from them.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Jim promises, his voice catching in his throat.

\---

It’s never a good sign when your comm goes off in the middle of the night.

Leonard blindly reaches for the buzzing on his nightstand and flips it open with his eyes closed.

“McCoy,” he grumbles.

“Doctor.”

 _Spock_.

Leonard immediately sits up, his vision going dark for a few moments as he clutches the comm tightly.

“Spock, what is it? What happened?” Leonard demands, his heart falling into his knees.

“Leonard…”

“What happened?!” Leonard yells, his voice quivering and his hand shaking.

“The Captain is listed as missing in action.”


	2. Chapter 2

Leonard’s vision narrows dangerously. He’s unaware of the tears rolling down his cheeks. He doesn’t even remember the burn setting in.

He swallows, his throat suddenly parched and torn. “What? What did you say?”

Spock clears his throat. “We…don’t know where Jim is.”

“No, no,” Leonard abruptly shakes his head. “We just talked two days ago…he said everything was fine.”

“It’s been twenty four hours since we were last in contact with the captain. We lost his signal and his communicator doesn’t seem to be working,” Spock reported.

“Okay, listen to me you pointy eared bastard,” Leonard begins, throwing his legs on the side of the bed and sitting up straight. “You’re going to tell me everything, everything, where you are, what happened during the negotiations, everything!” Leonard tries to get control over the speedy thumping of his heart but fails. He can barely hear himself talk.

“Leonard, I can’t—”

“You can and you will! Starfleet doesn’t need to know that I know anything but for fuck’s sake, Spock, you can’t just throw something like that in my lap and leave me hanging. I need to know, this is Jim we’re talking about damn it!” Leonard heaves.

A moment of silence from Spock. “Very well,” he gives in.

“Just before…was he alone?”

“We suspect that Lieutenant Hendorff is with him.”

“Tell me everything,” Leonard sighs.

“We’re currently orbiting Betazed, where a civil war outbreak is a threat. The Captain assembled his landing party and I was among them. I oversaw the first two days of the negotiations, however as I was needed back aboard the Enterprise, I took my leave and made sure Jim knew I’d be back come he need anything. It was a few hours later when we received his distress call. The connection was disturbed, however we were able to understand that the conference had come under attack and it was Acod responsible for the attack. He’s the man who wants to overthrow the government and take control. We were able to continue monitoring Jim’s signal and vitals for a few hours after his escape from the conference, but we seemed to have lost it,” Spock explains.

“Was he hurt?”

“As far as we could tell, nothing life threatening.”

“But he’s on the run on some godforsaken planet, probably with no weapons to defend himself and he’s probably being hunted, so that’s just wonderful,” Leonard cursed. “What’s being done about it?”

“At the moment, the status of the planet is too unstable for any of the crew to beam down and conduct a search, if Acod or his men read the transport signal, I suspect the entire landing party would be captured, if not immediately killed. He has shown no hesitation in killing the captain himself, the crew would not be a problem to him.”

“So, that’s is? Jim’s on his own?”

“I’m afraid so, doctor. At least under we get a better understanding of what is happening on the planet. But be assured, the first chance I shall get, I will act upon it and ensure Jim’s safe return to Earth.”

“Yeah,” Leonard whispers, his mind drifting off to Jim and what he must be feeling, where he is, if he’s got cover or running in the open—

“Doctor?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” Leonard snaps back.

“I will keep you updated with as much information as I can,” Spock promises.

The call ends.

Leonard doesn’t move from his place. In fact, he isn’t even sure if he’s breathing. If anything, the sound of his pounding heart in his ear is an indication of his shattering being broken heart. He doesn’t make a sound, but he doesn’t stop the river of tears running down his face, either. He doesn’t know how or when but he finds himself standing in David’s doorway, the small nightlight casting shadows on the wall. He settles into the small bed next to his son but doesn’t sleep the night. Instead, he watches David curl into his side and all Leonard could think about is how this little boy’s life would change forever.

He sends a message to his mother the next morning asking if she could return. He promises to explain everything once she’s back.

Knowing her son never asks such a thing, Eleanor is back in San Francisco the next day. The look on her son’s face tells her everything.

Making sure David is busy watching holovids and playing with his toys, Leonard and Eleanor sit on the dinning table and through long intervals, Leonard tells her everything.

He doesn’t know how he gets through the rest of the day, but he most definitely needs a drink.

\---

Three nights later, after putting David to sleep, Eleanor walks into the kitchen to find Leonard sitting at the dinner table, nursing a glass of bourbon. She drops on a chair next to him and he doesn’t look up, if anything, he seems to dive deeper into the details of the table in front of him.

“I know how quickly it happens,” Leonard whispers. “Death. I’ve seen it.”

She nods.

“I just don’t want him to suffer. He’s died once before and I wasn’t there but I knew it was painful and I never want him to go through that again,” Leonard continues and downs the rest of his drink in one swift motion. And then a bitter laugh leaves his parted lips. “I’m actually…hoping he would be dead. What kind of husband does that?”

“You want what’s best for him,” Eleanor corrects.

“Then I should never have agreed to let him go on this damn mission,” Leonard spits, turning to face his mother. His hazel eyes appeared dead, the life sucked right out of them and he looked both younger and older at the same time.

“You both knew he had to go.”

“It’s not a good enough reason. I want the best for him? Then he should be here, with me and our son and not running for his life, god knows if he’s hurt or if they’ve already captured him or if he’s already…”

Eleanor moves to cover Leonard’s hand with her own and he doesn’t pull back.

“He could be dead and I’m not there to save him. How can I let this happen when I promised I’d always be there? How can I let him down like that? God, what about David? How can that little boy go on without Jim? How can I go on without Jim?” Leonard quivers, his voice shaking and salty tears lingering on his lips.

“Listen to me, Leonard McCoy,” Eleanor begins with a stern tone, “you and I both know Jim very well, and if there is anything I am certain of, it’s that he will always do whatever it takes to return to his family. You have to believe that. Don’t give up on him now.”

Leonard all but throws himself into his mother’s arm and sobs, for the first time since Spock called him, he lets it all go. The aching sounds leaving his body, his squeezed eyes allowing the waterfall to flow, and he barely bears the soft assuring words his mother whispers into his hair. Suddenly, he’s an eight-year-old boy again having just lost his dog.

“I’ve been thinking,” Eleanor begins when Leonard pulls back, wiping his face. “You and David need some time away. How about we head back home for a while?”

Leonard nods without thinking twice. Jim is everywhere and he needs to see something else. It’s almost like Jim is haunting him.

\---

It’s cold and wet where Jim and Hendorff manage to find cover. It’s more of a cave really, but both men will take what they can find. Jim manages to collect some wood to start a small fire that hopefully won’t draw attention. Aside from the tumble they took down a cliff resulting in Hendorff breaking his beg and bruising a few of Jim’s ribs, they seemed to be in okay condition.

“How’s that leg?” Jim peers over his shoulder.

“It’s turned into a low throbbing,” Hendorff winces, adjusting the wooden sling they attached to his leg.

“We need to keep an eye out for infection or more swelling, you could be bleeding and we wouldn’t know it,” Jim points out.

“Never thought you had medical talk in you, captain,” Hendorff chuckles through clenched teeth.

“Being married to Bones has some perks,” Jim smiles.

“What can we do about any of those things, though?”

“Nothing,” Jim sighs. “But it’s best we know. Surprises aren’t favorable. Speaking of surprises,” he paused and pulling his golden command shirt over his head, leaving him in the standard black Starfleet top. “These draw attention, best to stay dark.”

The security officer nodded and took off his red shirt.

“It’s a little cold, but the fire will help soon. We have good cover here, we should be fine till morning. And hopefully, the Enterprise will be able to do something about getting us the hell out of here.”

“Why haven’t they acting till now?”

“Politics, probably,” Jim huffs. “They can’t risk a landing crew that can get captured and killed. They know we got away from the initial attack and I bet on my life Spock is not saying that I’m dead, we uh, we just gotta hang in there. It will be fine, they’ll find us,” Jim assures.

They fall into silence, the only sound around them the chirping coming from the ground. The sky is clear and the stars are shinning and in that moment, Jim wonders if the same stars are visible from Earth. He wonders if he and Leonard would be looking at the same constellations, connecting them miles away.

“Are you alright, captain?” Hendroff’s question returns Jim to their current situation.

“Yeah,” Jim nods. “Just thinking. We should get some sleep, we’ll need to continue moving when the sun’s out.”

Jim doesn’t sleep the night.

\---

Days pass by with no word from Spock. And just when Leonard thinks it can’t possibly get worse, it does.

He took a few extra hours after his initial shift was over, trying to spend the least time possible at home. He knew it made him a selfish person and a crappy father, but his mother was home was David. Surely everything was handled.

Leonard sees the small nightlight his son has become accustomed to sleeping with on and assumes David and his mother were asleep. He stops short when he hears the whispers from beyond the ajar door.

“Ma, did I do something to upset dad?” David asks in a small voice that somehow shatters Leonard’s heart even more.

“What? No, of course not, why would you say that?”

“He doesn’t play with me anymore and he doesn’t read me bedtime stories and he’s always sad,” David sniffs.

“Oh sweetheart,” Eleanor sighs. “You’ve done nothing to sadden your father, I promise. Everything is going to be alright.”

Just like that, Leonard believes that it’s final; he is the worst father on the planet.

From the little boy’s lack of response, Leonard gathers he drifted to sleep.

He drags his feet into his own room and collapses on the bed. He’s been so caught up in his own misery and torment, Leonard didn’t realize what was happening to his own son. He didn’t just disappoint his husband, but he was a pretty terrible father, too. Yeah, Leonard wanted to jump out the nearest window. He could use a drink before that, though.

That’s Leonard’s last thought before he too succumbs to the darkness.

He opens his eyes and realizes he fell asleep on Jim’s side of the bed, still in his scrubs and immediately has a feeling it won’t be a pleasant morning. He shrugs out of his clothes and drops them into the basket for the laundry before putting on a soft t-shirt and sweatpants.

He finds his mother sitting on the couch with a book in her lap and a mug in her grip, out of habit, he knows it’s apple tea. He pours himself some coffee and joins her on the couch. Neither speak for a while.

“Where is he?”

“In the backyard. You need to talk to David,” Eleanor says calmly, her eyes scanning the words on the page.

Leonard takes a sip.

“He thinks he did something wrong—”

“I know, I heard him last night,” Leonard sighs, tightening his hold on the hot cup. It stings but he presses his palms harder, at least he’s feeling something.

“I know what you’re thinking and you’re the one who has to do it.”

“How—how am I supposed to tell him that we don’t know where Jim is? That he might be dead for all we know?”

“Well, you certainly won’t say it like _that_ ,” Eleanor arches an eyebrow, exactly the way Leonard does.

“He’s too young to understand,” Leonard sighs.

“Maybe, but he feels like something is wrong. Kids have this intuition, you need to at least tell him the bear minimum.”

“You know I don’t believe in all that.”

“Either way, your kid deserves to know.”

“He asked me why we aren’t getting any new messages from papa and why we aren’t sending any. I didn’t know what to say,” Leonard leans back into the couch. “Truth is, I don’t know how to do this without Jim. I never thought I’d do it without him. I always thought I’d be the first to die and it would be because of him.”

Eleanor reaches out and squeezes Leonard’s thigh before giving it a few taps. “Go.”

Leonard nods, taking one more sip and getting up. He squints as he steps outside, the sun far too bright for his liking. The cold breeze is nice, though. Still, he thinks how unfair it is that Jim might never get to feel the sun’s warmth again, and how it’s a cruel world to continue on while Jim might not exist anymore. Jim is Leonard’s world and without him…Leonard shakes his head and spots David among the grass, undoubtedly playing in the sandpit.

“Hey, bud. Can I join you?” Leonard asks when he approaches.

David nods, making space for his father.

Leonard sits in the sand and watches David build some kind of castle for a few minutes. “We gotta talk, big guy. There’s something you should know…about your papa.”

David drops his tools and turns to Leonard, giving him his full attention.

“Remember when you asked me why we weren’t getting new messages from papa and why we aren’t sending any?”

David nods again, his blue eyes wide with curiosity and Leonard sees Jim in those irises.

“Well, it’s because we can’t. Because…” Leonard struggles. “Because he can’t send us any.”

“But…he’s on the big ship, like the first time,” David frowns.

“He’s not on the ship. He left the ship and went to a planet, just like here on Earth and…we don’t know where he is and he can’t send messages to tell us so we can find him.”

“Don’t know where he is?”

“No, bud, we don’t,” Leonard sighs, drawing closer to the boy. “We’re waiting to find him.”

Leonard holds his breath as he watches David consume and brawl to understand what he’s been told. Leonard knew it was too much for a six year old to fully grasp and handle, but God…what choice did he have? His own eyes well up with tears, reflecting those in David’s eyes.

“Papa…”

“Come here,” Leonard pulls David into his chest and wraps his strong arms around the trembling body. “Papa will come back to us, I promise. I know he’ll do everything he can to come back.”

“I miss him,” David sobs.

“Me too, me too,” Leonard’s voice breaks. “Would you like to go see the horses in Georgia? It’s been a while.”

David nods and reaches for Leonard’s hand.

Together, father and son walk back to the house hand-in-hand.

“How about some ice cream, sweetheart?” Eleanor suggests.

David looks up at Leonard for approval.

Leonard gives him a small nod and lets go of his hand. He turns and sees one of the many pictures scattered on the wall. It was him, Jim and David on his first day of school. Leonard stares at it for a few moments, feeling the tears prickle in his eyes.

“You better come home, Jim,” Leonard whispers.

\---

They get to Georgia two days later, settling into the farmhouse. David asks less and less about Jim as the days go by. They fall into a new routine, and they keep going. It worries Leonard, it’s not like he can handle his son’s questions sometimes, but the fact that David has been silent about Jim…Leonard is afraid the kid would somehow forget about his father. And that would be the worst thing to possibly happen.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Hmm?”

“Your forehead,” Eleanor gestures. “The worry lines are burned into your face. It isn’t attractive.”

“It’s nothing,” Leonard shakes his head.

Eleanor glares at him, the same way he sometimes glares at Jim when he wants to say _just spit it out already_. Leonard had momentarily forgotten whom he was talking to.

“David…he stopped asking about Jim. I’m…worried he’ll somehow end up forgetting him. I know six year olds’ memories are intact and they last but…I can’t help but wonder,” he sighs.

Eleanor wraps her arm around Leonard’s strong shoulder, watching as David runs around in the field in front of them. “He won’t. I spotted him going through one of the photo albums back in San Francisco. I think he doesn’t bring Jim up because he knows it makes you sad.”

“Damn it,” Leonard blows.

“Besides, no one’s forgetting Jim because Jim is coming home.”

“Dad!” David calls, waving his hand and then points to the stables nearby. “Horses!”

“Up you get, sweetheart,” Eleanor pats Leonard’s back.

“Let’s go see the horses,” Leonard nods.

Leonard scoops David up in his arms and jogs to the stables, pushing the wooden door open and lowers his son back on the ground, letting him run towards his favorite horse.

“Dom!” David squeals with happiness, moving as fast as his legs could carry him.

A small smile spreads on Leonard’s face as he catches up to his son. “Be careful,” he calls out.

He reaches Domino’s (Dom for short, named by David himself) stable and weaves his hand up and down the gorgeous black quarter horse’s face. David extends his arm and traces the various while spots splashed on his neck, hence his name.

“He’s really grown, hasn’t he?” Leonard picks David up and seats him into the saddle.

“He has,” David nods, petting the horse between his ears.

“Wanna go for a ride, bud?”

“Yes!” David giggles.

“Hold on tight,” Leonard warns before opening the stable door and getting on the horse himself, taking the reigns into his palms.

They trot into the open field, Leonard’s arms stretched out and muscles strained to keep David secured between them. They had gone out riding many, many times before, but it has been a long time. Better safe than sorry. They always ride Domino, the horse is used to them and is very much aware of how they like their rides: steady and swift.

Leonard looks around, really looks, for the first time since they arrived in Georgia. Memories flood his mind, of him as a kid growing up, and then they fast-forward to Jim and the countless times they’ve visited. A breeze blows by, and the sun shimmers around them, setting a golden glow to the atmosphere. Leonard remembers just how much Jim loves this weather and he feels his stomach do a flip. He looks up just in time to see his mother snapping pictures of them.

\---

Spock comms Leonard two days later.

They had just finished dinner and were currently gathering up the extra food, Eleanor scooping the pasta and meatballs away in a container and putting it in the fridge, while David carefully hands Leonard the used plates and utensils for his father to wash when they hear the comm in the living room. Leonard quickly dries off his hands on a towel and goes to grab it.

“McCoy.”

“Doctor, there has been an advancement,” Spock’s voice echoes, not bothering with small talk.

“What?”

“We were able to locate the Captain’s last known location before the transmission was cut. Mr. Scott was also able to come up with a plan to temporarily block the enemy’s radar, allowing us to beam down a search party without them realizing it. The landing party will be beamed to Jim’s last known location.”

A small sigh of relief left Leonard’s lips. “Hurry, Spock. He’s already been out there far longer than I like. Knowing Jim, he wouldn’t have gone far from that location.”

“If he knew he stopped transmitting, I agree. However, if he realized later, there’s no telling where he would be right now.”

“He’ll leave a trail, clues, he’d leave something,” Leonard nods.

“We will find him, Leonard. I’ll keep you updated on the situation on planet.”

“Okay,” Leonard sighs and Spock is gone. He turns back to the kitchen and finds David standing in front of his mom with her arms wrapped around his shoulders. “They’re going to find Jim.”

\---

The landing party consists of Spock, Uhura, Chapel and two security officers. They beam down at midday, the sun high in the sky and the atmosphere sticky and hot with humidity. Spock looks around, calculating the best way to cover as much ground as possible in a short amount of time.

“The Captain’s last transmission came from somewhere around here, with any luck, they’ll still be near,” Spock faces the rest of the group. “Stay together and keep the channel open. If anything happens, report immediately and take cover.”

They split up, one security officer going with Spock and the other going with Uhura and Chapel.

They search the grounds and around the area for hours, picking up Jim and Hendorff’s trail but soon loose it. They knew the men were no longer in their vicinity, and in other words, they have absolutely no idea where they are now.

They keep searching for hours, having regrouped, the sun getting lower and lower above them and a soft, chilling welcoming breeze blows.

“We should take another break,” Nyota suggests.

“Very well,” Spock nods.

Not far away from their position, Jim and Hendorff take cover under bushy trees and Jim lights a small fire. Hendorff’s broken leg had slowed them down and on various occasions, he would tell Jim to get ahead and he’d catch up, but Jim would turn it down every single time, saying a captain never leaves a crewmember behind. The leg hasn’t gotten too bad, so Jim suspects in some odd way, luck was on their side. After all, things could be a lot worse.

They managed to find some fruit that didn’t look poisonous and had followed the stream of fresh water to be at their disposal. If they weren’t worn out from a long day and weren’t lying back, they might have heard Acod’s search party approach. But they didn’t, and it was too late.

Jim springs to his feet when he hears the movement in the bushes around and remembers he has absolutely nothing but his fighting skills to defend them. Great.

“Go, Captain,” Hendorff whispers. “There’s no way we both come out of this alive. Better me than you.”

“What are you saying?” Jim spits.

“The ship and the crew need you, your family needs you, and I’ll be fine. They won’t get anything out of me,” Hendorff promises.

Jim shakes his head. “No.”

“Captain, we don’t have much time. This is the best bad decision and it’s only logical.”

Jim swallows, the shuffling getting closer and louder. He thinks about Leonard and David, their smiles, their touches…

“Go,” Hendorff insists.

“I’ll come back for you,” Jim squeezes the other man’s shoulder before disappearing into the trees.

In a matter of seconds, the armed men have circled the small camp and raised their weapons at the security officer.

“Where is your Captain?” One of them asks.

“I am under no obligation to answer that,” Hendorff responds.

The Enterprise landing crew find themselves only mere meters away from Jim and Hendorff, and they watch the scene unfold, helpless to do anything. They are outnumbered and outgunned, attacking would surely lead to a bigger mess.

“Where’s Jim? He has to get out of there,” Nyota asks in a hushed tone, her eyes following the trail that Jim took.

Jim himself answers her question, walking out of the dark and into the yellow light of the fire, shadows falling on his face. “Right here.”

He hears Hendorff curse and doesn’t fight back as the soldiers cuff him.

“A Captain never leaves a crewmember behind,” Jim whispers to Hendorff.

He knew Spock and the rest were close, and a new plan was set in place.


	3. Chapter 3

Once they beam back to the ship, Spock heads to the bridge to debrief Pike about their little adventure on the planet, leaving Nyota to contact Leonard and explain what happened.

She steps into one of the conference rooms and takes a deep breath before she begins. It doesn’t take long for Leonard to answer.

“McCoy.”

“Len, it’s Nyota,” her voice comes out strained and choppy.

“What happened? Did you find him?”

She can hear the urgency in Leonard’s voice. “We did…”

“Then where is he?” Leonard’s heart drops, automatically assuming the worst. “Don’t tell me…”

“He’s alive, we more like saw him rather than found him.”

“What does that mean?”

“He wasn’t near the area of his last transmission, we kept looking for him for hours and when we found him, we weren’t the only ones who did. Acod’s men circled Jim and Hendorff and they captured them before we could reach them. We were outnumbered and outgunned, there’s nothing we could have done,” Nyota sighs.

“Damn it,” Leonard curses, sticking a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry, Len.”

“At least he’s alive. Did he look okay?”

“It was dark, but yeah he seemed fine, apart from the classic cut and bruise.”

“What are you guys going to do?” Leonard clenched his teeth, wanting nothing more than to breakdown and cry and scream until his throat bleeds but he can do that later, he needs to know what the crew will do to bring his husband home.

“We managed to follow them for a while without being noticed,” Nyota’s voice brings him back. “It seems like they were heading back to some kind of compound where they’ll hold them. We’ll study the area and send in a bigger team to rescue them.”

“I should be out there looking for him.”

“You’re where you need to be, Len, and where Jim wants you to be,” Nyota reminds him.

“I know, I know, but it still doesn’t feel right. Maybe this is all my fault, maybe I should have stopped him. I had a feeling something like this would happen.”

“You couldn’t have stopped him even if you tried,” Nyota said honestly.

“Maybe you’re right, but…”

“But nothing. You two go around blaming yourselves for stuff that isn’t remotely your fault. Death couldn’t keep you two apart, neither will this.”

By the time they hung up, Leonard was really glad for the fact David was sleeping.

He fell asleep slouching on the couch, with a half empty bottle of bourbon hanging loosely from his grip.

Back in San Francisco, Leonard didn’t talk much for three days. Grumbling and huffing and puffing his way through the hours. David didn’t take much notice, as he spent those days out with his friends and their parents. They knew enough to not ask Leonard to tag along. He wouldn’t have gone anyway. Being around a bunch of six year olds was not his preferred way of spending his time. Drowning himself in alcohol was, though.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” Eleanor pulled out a chair next to Leonard on the dinning table.

“Not really,” he said, wincing as the fiery liquid ran down his throat.

“Like you, I’m not taking no for an answer,” she insisted.

“They found him but they watched helplessly as the soldiers took him. Who knows, maybe they killed him,” Leonard’s voice lifeless and cold. “Slightly ironic, though, because I should be there looking for him, but here I am. I should be out there, not sending people to look for _my_ husband. I never should have let him go on that stupid mission, damn it. I should have known better.”

He goes out the next night to (you guessed it) drink. He’s surprised he can still tell day from night and doesn’t forget to feed his son, even though that’s mostly thanks to his mother.

Leonard stands outside the front door for a good five minutes, gathering himself and finger combing his hair backwards. He walks in and immediately notices the soft light flickering from the television. His eyes meet his mother sitting on the couch and a sleeping boy in her lap.

“He wouldn’t go to bed, I tried. Both his fathers are stubborn as a rock, so what do you know.”

Leonard nods, extending his arm and takes David into his chest.

Eleanor plants a kiss to Leonard’s forehead and goes up the stairs.

Two minutes pass until David starts moving in Leonard’s arms. He lazily opens his eyes and looks up at the man.

“Dad?”

“Hey, bud. Why didn’t you sleep in your room?” Leonard runs his hand through David’s blond hair.

“I’m waiting for papa to come home,” the kid yawns.

Leonard can’t speak, his breath suddenly cut off by a nonexistent lump. Instead, he bundles David up, pulling him in and wraps his strong arms around the small body. “We talked about this, little man,” he somehow squeezes out.

David shakes his head. “He always comes home. I’m waiting for him. He’ll come home today.”

“No, buddy, he won’t. They would call me if he is.”

“Call?” David frowns.

“Papa would have called and told us he’s coming home.”

“But…but, he said—he will come home,” David stumbles.

Leonard draws in a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m sorry, baby, I am.”

“But…when?” David asks, a tear leaving his crystal blue eyes rolls down his cheek.

“I wish I knew, I wish I knew,” Leonard kisses David’s hair, a tear falling from his own eyes. And he knew what he had to do the next morning.

He wakes up earlier than usual, making sure to had set an alarm and his uniform was clean and pressed. Just as he was about to step out of the house, a clear of a throat stopped him.

“Going somewhere?”

“I need to see Pike,” Leonard answers without turning around.

“You think that will help?”

“I don’t know,” he sighs, finally moving to face to his mother. “But I have to try. David was waiting up for Jim last night, he said that he always comes home and I had to break his heart. And I don’t want to do that. I need answers, we’re sitting ducks around here,” his arms go flying in the air. “I’m not out there looking for Jim, but the least they can do it tell me everything that’s happening, classified or not. I can’t be this helpless anymore.”

Leonard heads straight up to Pike’s office. Doesn’t stop to greet anyone and doesn’t stop by his own office either.

“Doctor McCoy, what can I do for you today?” Pike’s secretary greets Leonard.

“Is Admiral Pike in?”

“Yes, sir, but he’s in a meeting. Would you like an appointment?”

“My husband is missing, I don’t need an appointment,” Leonard drops and barges into Pike’s office, busting the door open.

Pike and Boyce get to their feet once Leonard appears.

“Doctor McCoy,” Pike narrows his eyes.

“Leonard,” Boyce nods.

“Am I the subject of this meeting?” Leonard suspects.

Pike clears his throat, turning to Boyce. “We’ll continue this later, Phil.”

 _Phil, informal then_ , Leonard thinks.

Boyce nods, clasping Leonard on the shoulder as he walks past him.

Pike waits until Boyce leaves his office to offer Leonard a seat, sitting down himself. “So?”

“So…I need to know what’s going on with Jim’s…situation and what’s being done about it.”

“That’s classified, Leonard, you know that.”

“I do, but I also know you know I have a six year old boy at home, a six year old boy who stayed up last night waiting for his father to come home. And I couldn’t give him what he needed, I couldn’t tell him that his father is coming home _because I don’t know if he is_! All I could do was break his little heart and hold him as he cried himself to sleep. I told David that Jim would call and tell us he’s coming home, Chris and that has to happen. We have to get that call.”

Pike sighs, leaning back into his chair.

“I don’t care about the politics, I’m not going to blab the moment I’m out of here. I just want to know what’s being done to bring my husband home. I haven’t heard anything since Nyota called.”

Pike sits up, intertwining his fingers on the desk in front of him. “Here’s what’s happening, the Enterprise received a layout of the entire planet, and based on the reports Spock gave when they were on ground, there are three suspected places they could be holding Jim and Hendorff in. The Enterprise sent small teams to scout each area, two of the three came up empty and the final team for the last location beamed to the planet two hours ago. We should be getting the report any minute.”

Leonard seems to relax. “You think he’s still alive?”

“He is, there’s no reason to kill him, and he’s leverage. Besides, if they wanted to kill him, they would have done it when they captured him. They’ll be wanting information he has as a captain.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Leonard huffs.

“It’s being realistic. They want to take down the Federation, and now they have their golden boy. They wouldn’t be as reckless as to kill him before they get what they want.”

“We better find him before that happens then.”

Pike’s comm chirps and Leonard’s heart leaps into his throat.

“Pike here.”

“Admiral,” Spock’s voice comes on.

“Spock, I have Doctor McCoy with me.”

“Yes, sir,” he pauses.

“What news do you have, Commander?”

“The team sent word the last location is where the Captain and Mister Hendorff are being held.”

“Did they see them?” Pike asks.

“Not exactly, they…heard them,” Spock clarifies.

“What do you mean heard them?” Leonard speaks, using a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“A rather loud argument had broken out, and they could hear Jim.”

“Damn it, so much for keeping his head down,” Leonard curses.

“Do as we planned and move in, Pike out.”

“As planned?” Leonard raises an eyebrow.

“He’s got orders to gather a bigger landing party and then infiltrate. They have to hold on a little longer.”

“You mean you’re leaving Jim in there? In the hands of those savages?”

“We have one shot at this, Leonard, we can’t miss. One chance is all we got, he’ll be fine.”

Miles and miles away, Jim gets roughly thrown to the filthy floor, a strong kick landing against his chest, expelling the air from his lungs.

A breathless laugh leaves his lips. “You guys think beating me up will get you anywhere? Give it your best shot, been through all this before.”

“Oh, but you haven’t, Captain Kirk,” a sinister voice fills the room, chilling the blood rushing in Jim’s veins. “You haven’t been through _this_ before.”

“You can’t kill me,” Jim stands up on wobbly knees. “You need me, or else you would have killed me already.”

“We do need you, and when we’re done with you, you’re going to tell us everything we want to know.”

“What do you want, Acod? You know I won’t be giving you anything.”

Acod shrugs. “I want nothing to do with the Federation. Break the treaty with Betazed and then I might think of letting you and your officer go.”

“You know I can’t do that, and honestly, if you ask me, let’s be glad you aren’t actually in control of the planet. You want to be, but your words mean crap,” Jim smirks.

“You don’t think I’m going to demonstrate the lengths I am willing to go to to get what I want?” Acod challenges. He nods at one of his men.

A minute later, Hendorff comes crashing to the floor next to Jim.

“Easy!” Jim curses, kneeling next to his security officer. “You alright?”

“Yes, Captain,” Hendorff nods.

Jim stays next to him, but looks up at Acod. “You won’t get away with this. With any of this.”

“You won’t walk away either, Captain Kirk.”

They take both Starfleet officers into a locked room with a small opening in the door, possibly to pass food through so their prisoners don’t starve to death.

“Why’d you do it?” Hendorff asks, settling against the cold wall.

“Do what?” Jim asks back, walking around the confined space, touching the walls around.

“Give yourself up. You could have gotten away.”

“I told you why,” Jim reminds him. “A captain doesn’t leave a crewman behind.”

“But this is different, Captain. This is life or death,” Hendorff says in frustration.

“Doesn’t change a thing,” Jim shakes his head. “If I can’t stand by my crew in death, how am I expected to live with them on the same ship?”

“I can’t imagine Doctor McCoy is very pleased with that ideology.”

Jim chuckles. “No, he isn’t, but he understands. I know one thing for sure though, after all this is over, I am never stepping one foot on a starship again. His idea probably. But…being a good captain isn’t the only reason I’m here.”

“No?”

“They found us, a landing party found us, I spotted them. Spock was among them.”

“What?” Hendorff’s eyes go wide.

“Yeah, but they were outnumbered. There’s no way they could attack and get us out of there without being captured themselves. That’s another reason I came back. If there’s any hope of infiltrating this crazy group and taking Acod down once and for all, it’s gotta be from the inside. There’s no way we would be able to end all this if I had gone with Spock. And if I know Bones, and I know Bones, I’m pretty sure he’s barging into Starfleet HQ demanding to know how they’re getting us back. They followed us for a good while, they’ll find us.”

“You always have a plan, Captain.”

“Let’s hope this one works.”

They give them a couple pieces of bread and some add looking cheese that Jim opts not to eat and spends the rest of the night nibbling on the bread instead, thinking about Leonard and David.

The next morning comes too fast for his liking and two of the men stride into the room, grabbing Jim by the arms and walk out. He suspects he’s about to attend a private meeting with Acod. The meeting drags on.

\---

“James, James, James, why don’t you just give me what I want and you can see your family again?”

“I’m not a traitor. I’m not going to betray Starfleet,” Jim says through clenched teeth, feeling the blood bubbling in his mouth.

“Tell me, what would your husband think when you don’t return as you promised?” Acod narrows his eyes.

“Don’t you dare speak about him,” Jim’s glares.

“Then give me what I want.”

“No.”

“It’s already begun, Kirk. The government is crumbling, they’re running scared, they can’t stand against me much longer. Now, do you want to live or die? That’s the real, and only question.”

“I can’t wait to kill you myself,” Jim spits.

“Oh, Captain, let’s not forget where we stand. Maybe all the kicking to your head altered your memory, but you’re not going anywhere without my say so,” Acod squeezes Jim’s shoulder.

Jim jerks, his shoulder having been dislocated earlier that day and never popped back in. All Jim could think about, besides the burning pain, is Leonard’s voice, cursing at his current state dreading the possible nerve damage.

Jim has been taken to the same room for countless days now, slowly overhearing the men talking and assembling bits and pieces of their plan and tactics to take over day by day. As each day blends into the next, Jim finds his hope of ever being found going down. He dreams of his husband and son, waking up with a jolt and a sheen of sweat over his skin, wondering if he’ll ever get to see them again.

He also realizes he can’t take them down alone, he has to wait for the team to rescue them and then along with the team, bring down Acod. It’s too big and too complex, he has to be in two places at once and as much as he would love to have that awesome superpower, he doesn’t. So, in short, if no one comes for him, he’s royally screwed.

Jim quickly shakes his head, expelling the idea completely because no way in hell would Leonard allow Starfleet to stop looking for him. He’d fly a ship out himself if he had to. Jim has never given up on Leonard, he’s not about to start now.

Maybe, however, his plan was a little too farfetched this time.

\---

“Is everything going according to plan?” Hendorff asks weakly.

“A little bit,” Jim nods from the other side of the room. “I’m drawing him out, waiting, making him frustrated and angry. I pay for it, yeah, but it won’t be for nothing,” Jim winces, flexing his jaw.

“You’re a punching bag.”

“Not my first rodeo, Hendorff,” Jim winks.

“Do you know anything about their plans?”

“Bits and pieces over the days, some things are still a blur, blank spots but overall, I have a pretty good idea,” Jim blinks, his left eye’s vision going red from the blood seeping into his eye, courtesy of a deep cut above his eyebrow.

“It doesn’t sound good,” Hendorff complains.

“No, it’s doesn’t,” Jim sighs.

The first thing they hear is loud voices and arguments erupting and then the firing begins. Jim quickly gets to his feet, standing in front of Hendorff who sits up in his place in surprise.

Soon enough, the metal door flies open and Spock and Nyota are suddenly standing in front of Jim and Hendorff. They stare at each other for a few moments, no one saying anything, not quite believing their eyes.

“Spock?” Jim’s the first to speak.

“Jim,” Spock almost sighs with relief, the frown he wears eases slightly.

“It’s good to see you,” Jim smiles tiredly.

“We almost didn’t find you,” Nyota says.

“I knew you would,” Jim replies before signs of discomfort take over his face.

“Captain?”

“Do me a favor, Spock, would you pop my shoulder back in? I don’t know how much damage has already been done.”

Spock nods, and pops in the shoulder with a harsh crack. Jim leans forward, breathing heavily, and clutches his chest.

“Jim?” Nyota asks with concern.

“Uh, I’m guessing a bunch of broken ribs, contusions and bruising, and it’s been getting harder to breathe lately, so my money’s on a collapsed lung. I am married to a doctor,” Jim tried to joke. “Speaking of Bones, how is he?”

“Stubborn, worried, more stubborn,” Uhura gives him a small smile. “Hasn’t given up.”

“That’s my man,” Jim nods.

“We need to get you out of here,” Spock says.

Jim looks around and realizes that the other crewmembers had already taken Hendorff out of the room. “No, no, we have to stop him. Acod, we have to.”

“Jim, it’s too late, there’s no stopping it now.”

“You don’t understand, I know most of their plan. I overheard stuff, I know where they’re keeping the food and the weapons, we can still stop this. I can’t—I can’t walk away from this without putting an end to it. They just seem like they’re strong, like they have everything under control but I promise you, once we cut the head of the snake, they’ll scatter.”

“You want to kill him?”

“That’s the only way to stop men like him. I’ve survived this long, I gotta do this, I owe it to these people to do this.”

“Very well,” Spock agrees.

The most horrific scene Jim had ever seen falls right in front of him when they walk into the open: a bunch of kids, no older than David, crawling around, holding guns that are too heavy for them. Along with Spock, Jim approaches the kids slowly; his hands stretched out in front of him and ease the guns out of their hands, much to their relief. Uhura and a couple other members lead the kids to safety, leaving Jim, Spock and three security officers to hunt down Acod.

Jim stops short after taking a few soldiers down, his hands resting on his knees as he catches his breath. A rough cough rips through him, leaving speaks of blood in his palm.

“Jim, maybe this is a bad idea,” Spock speaks up when he sees the crimson.

“No stopping now,” Jim draws a deep breath and jogs forward.

Spock follows.

They manage to bump into the head of the government, Dara, along the way.

“I know where Acod is hoarding the food and the weapons, but we need your men to secure it,” Jim explains.

She nods, calling out for a group of her men and all together follow Jim. He leads them to the food container first, and then takes half the men to the weapons vault. Leaving them in charge, Jim and Spock continue their search for Acod. Stopping a couple groups of children on their way, they use the guns they took to corner him into an abandoned building.

“It would be easier to shoot you,” Jim admits. “But that’s too quick a way for you to go.” He throws the guns to the ground and charges, feeling something rip through his body midway. The blood begins to seep into his tight uniform but he doesn’t stop, instead lands a strong punch across Acod’s cheek, sending blood running down his nose.

That didn’t settle well with the villain. He kicks his knee into Jim’s chest, already knowing the damage he had previously caused.

Jim falls to the ground, trying to catch his breath and spits a mouthful to blood on the ground. He receives another blow to the side of his head, breaking the skin.

“I always knew you were so weak, Kirk,” Acod huffs out a sinister laugh.

“You’re underestimating me,” Jim smirks, getting Acod straight in the jaw and another punch in his gut and finished off with a knee jab to the abdomen.

Acod stumbles backwards, regaining his balance before charging towards Jim once again.

Spock shows signs of advancing but stops when Jim raises his hand towards him.

Jim heaves, narrowing his eyes and licking his lips. His head buzzing and chest contracting, he was having difficulty keeping himself up. In one swift move, Jim pushes the side of his palm into Acod’s neck and watches as he falls backwards and struggles to inhale.

Jim moves to stand over his body and runs his eyes over the jerking man. He stretches his arm out to Spock. A second later he feels the gun weighing his hand down and points it at Acod. “Enjoy your stay in hell, it’s going to be forever.”

A shot rings.

Jim’s knees go weak, and he would have crashed down if it weren’t for Spock’s quick thinking and his arms holding him up.

As the adrenaline died down, Jim began to feel the true extend of the gunshot. He groans, covering the entry wound and smears his palm with bright red blood. He takes a deep breath and squeezes his eyes shut, the fire eating away at his side.

“Spock…”

“Mr. Scott, two to beam out, have Medical standing by,” Spock speaks into his comm.

A few moments later, white whirls engulf the men and they disassemble.

Jim frowns at the sudden change in light intensity, knowing they’ve arrived in the transporter room. He pushes one eyelid open halfway and sees two M’Bengas and two Chapels approaching him, carefully lowering him onto the gurney.

“Captain, can you hear me?” M’Benga asks, looking down at Jim.

“Bones…” Jim whispers.

“You’re back on the ship, Captain, you’re going to be fine.”

“Where’s Bones?” Jim’s side lolls from one side to the other.

“You’ll be with him in no time,” M’Benga promises.

“He’s lost a lot of blood,” Chapel looks at the tricorder results. “Major internal damage.”

“We’re taking him to surgery now.”

“Someone call Len!” Chapel throws over her shoulder before disappearing through the OR door.

Spock sets out to call Leonard as soon as he’s done debriefing Pike.

\---

Leonard, David and Eleanor are all sitting on the couch, the boy nudged between both adults watching Tarzan when Leonard’s comm goes off.

“McCoy.”

“Leonard.”

“Spock,” Leonard breaths, getting up and steps outside into the open.

“Are you alone?”

“Uh, yeah,” Leonard felt the color drain from his face and his heart aggressively hammering against his chest. “What happened?”

“We managed to locate Jim.”

“And? Did you find him? Spock, is he okay?!”

“It’s complicated…he is alive, however—”

“He’s alive? He’s alive?” Leonard felt tears gathering in his eyes and felt his knees start to sway. He opts to sit on the front steps.

“He is alive but Jim has suffered multiple injuries,” Spock explains.

“How bad is it?”

“He is currently in surgery, there has been no word yet from Doctor M’Benga but according to Jim’s own assessment, multiple broken ribs with a possible collapsed lung, bruises and contusions and a gunshot wound.”

“Gunshot? Are you saying he was shot?”

“Yes, doctor. He took it to the side, he lost a substantial amount of blood and I do not know about the damage caused by the bullet yet.”

“Oh God,” Leonard curses. “At least tell me it worked…tell me all this wasn’t for nothing.”

“It worked, the civil war is over,” Spock nods.

Leonard closes his eyes, a tear sliding down his scruffy face and feels a small weight lifting from his chest.

“Listen,” Leonard sniffs. “You comm me the moment he wakes up, you hear?”

“I will, doctor.”

“And Spock? Thank you.”

Leonard isn’t aware when Spock ends their conversation as he buries his face in his hands and starts to sob silently, everything he felt since he got word that Jim was missing pouring out of him and into the world. His eyes begin to burn and his throat restricts but his heart fills with hope and his soul loses some of the darkness that had taken him over in his husband’s absence. He finally starts to feel like himself again. Because Jim is alive, Jim is alive and he’s coming home to him, to their son. _He’s coming home_ , anything else isn’t important.

“Dad? Are you okay?” David’s small voice fills the air around Leonard.

Leonard quickly gathers himself, wiping his face and turning to face the little boy. “I’m fine, bud, I’m good,” Leonard smiles through the tears, opening his arms wide.

Without a second thought, David walks over and settles into Leonard’s lap, the side of his face resting firmly against his father’s chest.

“You know what? They found your papa.”

David looks up at Leonard.

“Yeah, they’re waiting for him to wake up so he can talk to us.”

“Papa?”

“Yeah, buddy,” Leonard nods, a new wave of tears building. “He’s okay.”

David beams at that, really smiles for the first time in so long it literally moves Leonard’s heart. The little boy throws his tiny arms around Leonard’s neck and holds tight. “Papa!” He yells happily.

Leonard moves his arms to hold David, running a hand through his hair and chuckles, nodding. “Thank you, Jim,” he whispers to the sky.

\---

Leonard decides to stay up to catch up on some paperwork for the hospital, given that he couldn’t really focus on anything while not knowing a thing about Jim, he wasn’t really expected to produce anything of meaning. But getting the news from Spock nearly ten hours later now, Leonard could finally breathe for the first time in God knows how long.

His comm chirps, not really paying attention, he picks it up without looking.

“Yeah.”

“Bones?”

Leonard freezes in his place, dropping the pen onto the stack of papers and forces the air down his throat. He wants to make sure he isn’t hallucinating, and that it’s actually Jim’s voice on the other end of the call.

“Jim?” Leonard’s voice quivers. “Jim, is that you?”

“Yeah, Bones, I’m right here.” Jim sounds tired, but out of experience, Leonard knew he hadn’t just woken up from anesthesia. He had probably woken up a few times before calling him, but this is the first time he could carry out a conversation, albeit a short one.

“Oh my god, hi, hey, it’s really you,” Leonard chokes, tears gathering in his hazel eyes.

Jim chuckles softly, gathering his breath. “I can finally hear your voice.”

A small sob leaves Leonard’s parted mouth. “You’re an idiot, Jim Kirk, but I still love you so much.”

“I love you, Bones. I’m sorry, I…”

“It’s okay, Jim, it’s okay,” Leonard sniffs. “I got snot all over my paperwork now.”

“You always look for an excuse to push those aside,” Jim teases.

“Right now I have the best excuse to forget about the useless paperwork, you.”

“You flatter me too much, babe.”

“Seriously though, how are you? How are you feeling? Spock gave me the basic rundown, but…”

“I’m okay, turns out I was right about my own injury assessment. It’s a little hard to breathe and my side hurts but it’s manageable.”

“You go and get yourself shot now?”

Jim pushes out a huff. “If it’s any consolation, I won in the end, though.”

“It isn’t,” Leonard shoots.

“Oh Bones, how much I’ve missed you,” Jim pauses.

Leonard hears shuffling from the other side and assumes Jim is bringing the comm closer to his lips. “You should get some rest, Jim.”

“Wait I—” Jim winces, beginning to pant.

“Stop moving,” Leonard orders.

“How did you know?” Leonard could hear the eyebrow climbing Jim’s forehead.

“I know what you sound like when you’re shuffling around.”

“How’s David?”

“He’s alright, I told him they found you, but he’s asleep right now. Do you want me to wake him up?” Leonard asks.

“No, no, leave him. I’ll probably pass out in no time. But kiss him for me, would you? I’ll talk to him as soon as I can,” Jim promises.

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“This isn’t a dream, right?”

“No, Bones, it isn’t,” Jim smiles.

“I love you.”

“I love you more. I’m coming home and I’m not leaving you or that angel ever again.”

“I’m holding you to that, Jim Kirk.”

\---

Jim’s back home two weeks later, having been released from Starfleet Medical a week earlier.

“Do you need anything?” Leonard calls from the kitchen.

“I want you next to me,” Jim insists.

Leonard chuckles, closing the fridge and joining Jim on the couch. He eases himself down slowly, making sure not to involuntarily shake Jim. “You alright?”

“I’m great,” Jim smiles, settling himself against Leonard’s side and pushing his cheek against the wide chest. Sitting in Leonard’s embrace, Jim takes his left hand and begins twirling the silver band on Leonard’s ring finger.

Leonard wraps his arm around Jim, holding him close and soothingly rubbing his hand up and down his back, taking notice of his action.

Jim stays silent, continuing to play with the wedding ring.

“You alright?” Leonard asks, knowing out of habit it means Jim has something on his mind, something he’s possibly afraid of speaking out.

Jim nods. “Just thinking…I had almost forgotten how your ring looks.”

Each of them had engraved a very simple, faint pattern on each other’s rings before they exchanged them at the alter. Jim’s ring has a zigzag pattern, while Leonard’s has a wave one. In other words, how they saw each other’s temperaments.

“Darlin’, everything’s alright,” Leonard whispers, hearing the pain and guilt in Jim’s voice. He drops a kiss to Jim’s temple. “There’s nothing to feel guilty about.”

“Papa!” David’s joyful voice fills the atmosphere as he strides into the living room.

“Easy, bud, remember what we talked about?” Leonard says quickly.

Leonard had told David that Jim was hurt on their way to see him in the hospital. Leonard had gone once before, when the Enterprise had docked, he was waiting for them at the bay and accompanied his husband to Starfleet Medical.

He made sure the six-year-old boy understood that he can’t jump on Jim and that Jim won’t be able to carry him for a while. He also made sure he knew to be super careful around his papa.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Can I sit on your lap?”

Leonard gives Jim a concerned look.

“Come here,” Jim reaches out and picks up David, settling him between him and Leonard.

“You comfortable?”

“Absolutely,” Jim nods, taking in deep breaths. His ribs are still healing. “What do you want to watch, bud?” Jim kisses David’s hair.

David dozes off in no time, his head propped up on Leonard’s chest.

“He’s out like a light,” Jim chuckles.

“Yeah, let me put him to bed,” Leonard offers, slowly getting up and scooping the sleeping boys into his arms.

Jim stays in his seat while Leonard tucks David in. He had told Leonard about what happened to him at the hands of Acod but he didn’t tell him he saw Spock and willingly went with the soldiers. Leonard would be mad, he knew, but he would also understand or so Jim hoped.

Leonard returns, reclaiming his seat next to Jim.

As soon as Leonard is settled, Jim reaches out and places his hand over his husband’s bearded cheek.

Leonard raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a beard this big before.”

“Cause I never let it grow out this much before,” Leonard rolls his eyes.

“Why not? If I had known it looks this good on you I never would have let you shave it,” Jim teases.

“I just wasn’t in mood to do…well, anything so I just let it grow and just…thought I’d try it out,” Leonard explained.

“Well, it’s sexy as hell, so don’t think about getting rid of it just yet,” Jim leans in and peaks Leonard’s lips.

Leonard smiles against them. “I’ll have to trim though.”

“Yeah,” Jim nods. “I might grow one too now. Damn, we’ll be so hot.”

Leonard chuckles before reclaiming Jim’s lips, reaching to the side table when they pull away. “Something I want to show you,” he says before the younger man can change the subject on his own.

Jim went along with a nod, taking the pictures Leonard hands out to him. He immediately smiles, recognizing the place and everyone in the photo. “Bones, it’s beautiful,” Jim admires.

“Mom took it. She suggested we get away for a bit, so we stayed there for a while. These pictures are probably the only good thing to come out of that terrible time you were gone.”

“Domino, he’s a good horse, the best,” Jim keeps looking at the picture, his eyes glued to David’s smile.

“I think we should spend more time there, and in Iowa, too. Sam sounded like he really missed you when you talked yesterday,” Leonard points out.

“Yeah, he had to go back home to Aurelan and the kids. They all wanted to come, but Sam…didn’t want them seeing me like that so they’ll probably end up visiting soon together.”

“That’s good, you should reconnect with them.”

“Yeah,” Jim says, beginning to stare into the void.

“What’s up?” Leonard drowns.

“Huh?”

“You’re thinking too much, I can practically hear you,” Leonard arches an eyebrow.

“There’s uh, there’s something I haven’t told you,” Jim hesitates.

“About?”

“What happened on the planet.”

Leonard stiffens at that, clenching his teeth but didn’t draw away from Jim. “I don’t know how you’ll take it, but I can’t keep it from you.”

Leonard stays silent.

“I saw Spock and landing party, the first time. I knew they were there, but I gave myself up, I…I revealed myself to Acod’s men.”

“What?” Leonard’s eyes go wide and he does pull back. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“Just, hear me out, please. I knew they would find us, I knew they would follow us, and the only way to take down that monster was from inside, and I knew that. If I had went back with Spock, then that’s it, it would be over. I knew he wasn’t true during the negotiations, I knew he was keeping something and I was right. He was hoarding weapons and food and I saw them, Bones…I saw kids carrying guns, guns that were too heavy for them. If I hadn’t gone with them and penetrated the whole operation from the inside…it would have been like Tarsus all over again.”

Leonard closes his eyes and attempts to even out his breathing. When he opens his eyes, the tears held in them are reflected in Jim’s blue ones. He scoots near to Jim once again, taking his hand. He nods.

“And I couldn’t leave Hendorff behind,” Jim shook his head. “I made you a promise that I wouldn’t do something stupid and I would make sure to come home and after he told me to go and I left…I just couldn’t. I broke my promise and I let you down,” a tear makes its way down his cheek. He was still regaining his natural color.

“No, Jim, God no, you didn’t let me down,” Leonard takes Jim’s face into his hands. “And you came home, I knew you would. A little bruised, but you made it back. You behaved like a captain, and a great one.”

“I realize that…I’m a husband and father before I am a captain and I almost lost that. I didn’t know if I was going to see you again and it terrified me. I almost gave up some days because it just hurt, all over, I…all I could feel was pain and I just wanted it to end,” Jim takes a deep breath, snakingly letting it out. “But I knew you’d never forgive me if I didn’t make it back.”

Leonard leans in, gently pressing his lips to Jim’s salty one and held them, just taking in the sensation of finally having Jim back, the instant warmth and familiarity of being one with Jim settles into his stomach. “I’m proud of you,” he whispers. “You saved an entire planet, and I hate what happened to you, I’m so angry about what happened to you but we’ll work it through, together we’ll be fine, Jim. I swear on my life, it’s going to okay.”

Jim could hear the desperation and passion and determination in Leonard’s voice. He connects his forehead with Leonard’s, drawing strength from their connection. He feels the warmth seeping into his skin, and it feels like home and longing and hope and safety.

Leonard manages to move them and brushes his lips against Jim’s forehead. “And you’re home, you made it back and that’s all that matters.”

Jim nods, holding the fabric of Leonard’s shirt tightly into his fists, knowing this is exactly where he belongs. And he wouldn’t trade it for the world or for infinite space.

Jim never leaves Earth again.


End file.
